In researching the dating scene I became intrigued by the methodology of the professional pick-up artists (aka dating coaches) who charge sometimes many thousands of pounds to teach guys the world over how to successfully pick-up women for casual sex. I know because I received a random email one day inviting me into this world of training. At first, it neither seemed real nor even possible that such a world outside of my own could even exist, let alone the fact that globally there are hundreds and thousands of men who feel they need to be taught even the basics of how to approach a female at all - not just in the picking up for sex aspect either. I saw this as being perhaps disingenuously like 'Penis with half a brain training', and it led me to wonder - is it the case that women are simply becoming stronger as more, and more men grow weaker?

I'd never heard of, let alone familiarised myself with the terms 'alpha' and 'beta' in respect of male and female until I researched PUA dating. I'm probably one of the more unusual guys, in as much as I'm fiercely independent; verging on reclusive, and have never really felt any real 'need' to pursue females for 'casual' sex in my private life, and I'm not, and never really have been a bar, pub, or nightclub kind of person either - so all the usual pick-up places simply don't interest me. 

If I meet someone, I meet someone, and if I don't, I don't. I'm not bothered either way as I do enjoy my own company and relish 'me' time just doing my own thing quite happily. I can count the number of what you might call 'serious' relationships in my life on three, maybe four fingers, and that's it because I'm not generally a needy person for the company of others - including women anyway. It's not to say that I have never been tempted by casual sex now and then because I'd be lying, and on occasion being human, I have dipped my toes into the water of the quick hook-up for self-gratification. However, to qualify this I would go so far as to say that this is not a practice I have avidly and consistently pursued in my personal life. I'm more of an if it happens, it happens kind of bloke. However, I do admit to being a shocking flirt and tease simply because it is fun and for no other reason while enjoying it with both females AND males with no sexual intent whatsoever.

I've never looked into how, or why, but women generally speaking seem to find their way to me in my private life. Which is kind of odd considering I'm quite aloof and indifferent, and I'm not into the kind of stuff you would expect from any other stereotypical male - like I'm not into sports, cars, tattoos, etc. More usually the kind of feedback I receive from women is that they find me "intriguing" - while others say that I'm comfortable to be with because having a conversation with me feels just like they are talking to another close female friend. One even said "I can't work you out because you're clearly not gay. You're the most unusual and interesting guy I've ever met though, and I LOVE being with you!"

If asked to define myself it would take some consideration because I cannot be pigeon-holed; even by myself. I'm a little bit here, and a little bit there and random of nature, and this is my own uniqueness in a world of so much 'same'. I don't consider myself in any way unique in this respect as I'm confident there are other males of similar ilk, and I'm sure that just like those other males of a similar nature  my indifference could be translated as the 'strong, silent' type. Which in itself may go towards explaining my own 'alpha' maleness. 

So allow me to take you into the 'secret' world of the professional 'alpha' PUA (Pick-Up-Artist), more commonly known now as the 'Dating Coach' as it's seen to be a more 'politically correct' term of reference, where guys all over the world appear to have lost the plot concerning approaching and dating women. Here are just a random selection of male learned helplessness examples to get your heads around -

Q. "I don’t know how to deal with this but I have always been jealous when I see my girlfriend talking to or having dinner with other male friends of hers. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. Any suggestions?"

Q. "Hi guys I hope that you're okay, I have a situation here how to deal with a girl that changes on you, in the beginning she try to show her femininity and trying to prove herself to me, but now she doesn't want to prove herself anymore and she changed and say to me that's her reality, what do u think guys?"

Q. "I have a question at work a girl eyes keep sticking on me what does that mean is she attracted to me or likes me?"

Q. "I did some digging on social media (Haha, I know some of you do this), turns out she looks to be lesbian (she admitted on social media she is gay and has images of her kissing another girl).Do women turn lesbian for different reasons? Her social media doesn’t show her hanging out with the opposite sex at all. I didn’t see one guy in her pictures. Maybe she had bad experience with men but I’d like to change her mind. If she turns around to tell me she is lesbian how do I turn the tables? Ask her if she wants to be friends and get drinks?

A. You have let these women figure out that being lesbian is a sin so they run back to Jesus Christ for deliverence. Other than that, you can pray, invite her to church, and share the gospel with her. If you aren't a Christian, once these women get sucked into the LGBT community and lesbianism, they tend to stay there. So trying to change their mind becomes very hard to do."

Quote: "The obsession with sex over connection comes from a deep seated mother wound."

Q. "How much alcohol do you men consume in a week? Do you think this helps with confidence and attraction?"

Q. "Hey y'all. I've been learning a lot about the woman I get getting involved with and I realized from someone I spoke to that it's very possible that we "attract" to people like the bad parent we might have had. My mom was a depressed bipolar borderline personality alcoholic person who used me against my dad. Someone mentioned that I am finding woman who are like this. And I realize it's true. I'm finding woman that I want to fix, and who use me, are depressed and I want their approval. I know I don't want that. I want and energetic person who is squared away emotionally and doesn't use me. Are there any ways y'all know of to try to avoid this behaviour?"

Quote: "Women’s SMV (sexual market value) should start declining after 28y. Common knowledge is that women 30+ are more confident, more eager for sex and are not afraid to say it. Strangely enough my experience does not confirm it. Where are all the desperate ones?:) I’ve had plenty of decent first date that led to nowhere. I’m good looking, w decent job, cocky and funny attitude, good sense of humor. Still women blow me off for really minor “mistakes” – e.g touching hand/shoulder is said to be feeling off or I’m just not her type or my chinline is not firm enough etc. Unreal."

Professional PUA'S have understandably had their fair share of bad press over the years, and the feminist movement feels that on the surface at least it has good reason for this. It was sufficient to further arouse my curiosity and the desire to dig down into the need for what are now referred to as 'Dating Coaches'.

"Do women like "alpha" men? What is an "alpha" man anyway?

Generally speaking the 'alpha' male in nature is the one who leads and impregnates, whereas the 'beta' male will follow and serve. 

As a rule it is the default of women to use men for protection, resources, and, in the case of her interaction with alpha-males, reproduction. This is due in large part to their physical vulnerabilities. The German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer described the innate modus operandi of women in these words:

"With girls, Nature has had in view what is called in a dramatic sense a “striking effect,” for she endows them for a few years with a richness of beauty and a fullness of charm at the expense of the rest of their lives; so that they may during these years ensnare the fantasy of a man to such a degree as to make him rush into taking the honourable care of them, in some kind of form, for a lifetime—a step which would not seem sufficiently justified if he only considered the matter."

Because nature determines that women are more dependent on men for survival than vice-versa, you have collectively developed a compensatory characteristic that allows you to extract value from beta males in ways that are not mutually beneficial. This is manifest in an automatic and brilliant instinct for interpersonal negotiation where you will constantly test the nature of the relationship in the hopes of extracting more value from a man while reducing the value you must provide to him.  

Women in this respect are instinctively significantly better at sexual strategy than men are because their 'alpha' strategy kicks in automatically with any male partner male who then later transpires to be 'beta' as her survival depends on it, and she will in effect be forced into a situation where she 'has' to become the stronger partner - even though she may not want to she is left with no choice because the 'ideal' alpha male she met and fell in love with was nothing more than his surface veneer, and as this veneer wears off subconsciously she will feel a sense of being lied to and conned by not being the man she thought he was.

It can be argued that women don't consciously agree with this, but their psychological firmware nevertheless insists on being attracted to men who are already getting laid. This is a very primal form of pre-selection as her mind conducts this subconscious logical syllogism: "I don't know whether this man is fit for reproduction but the fact that there are signs that he may be already getting laid would suggest that other women have already made the assessment that he is."

It would take someone with far more and superior qualifications than myself to research, evaluate and quantify the notion that the dynamic conflict between the 'alpha' (who are 'beta') males, and the patriarchal assumption that females are therefore lower in the pecking order, but it would appear from my understanding at least this is why a considerable number of females feel they don't know their place in the world any longer in that grey, cloudy area between being maternal because it's within their nature to be so in a long-lasting and childbearing relationship, or being the receptacle for a guy's penis because it's in his nature to fuck anything and everything of the female variety. After all, his sexual driver is to inseminate. In short, women will probably never know their true place in the world until men sort themselves out and work out who they are; 100% alpha, or 100% beta. Because while betas' exist to serve women in nature, women exist to serve alphas'.

Of course the whole idea of this gets thrown into complete disarray with more men nowadays seeking to meet women, and more women seeking to be men. Not that there's anything new in this as it can be traced back as far as the Greek and Roman empires where it was considered that sexual behaviours were not categorised by the gender of the participants, but by the sexual role each played. From which we could then stray into a whole new discourse for discussion leading into another book entirely, which I'm not about to do because it will take us well off topic - even though in thought at least it is tantalisingly seductive.

So I will recalibrate my focus and fast forward into the minefield territory of gender role as things were when women were seen as housewives and men the providers. To make it abundantly clear, I am not proposing any argument for or against; and like everything in life there are innumerable pro's and con's to either side of this gender role coin, and there were as many women out working as there were those who chose to stay at home while their husbands worked: I get it. 

What I find of specific interest however is that cohesive structure where both men and women generally knew and accepted their roles and, I would suggest, the 'alpha' and 'beta' of them. But fast forward again to where we are now and that cohesive structure has become so splintered that no one knows who the hell they are anymore, and the entire world has become more about the individual in an 'all about me' and 'what I want' way which is 'free-for-all-bandwagon' where everyone wants a bigger slice of the cake, but there simply isn't enough cake for everyone because we can no longer be satisfied with just 'male' and 'female' - and for everyone to feel so much better about themselves and their individuality people attach more labels to themselves than you'd find on the grocery shelf at your local corner shop. If I choose to 'label' - aka refer to myself as a bi-sexual, cross-dressing chicken drumstick from tomorrow and ask of people I know (and beyond) to accept it, what's to stop me! It's just plain bonkers, and I won't be anticipating a vegan partner in a hurry.

But all gentle mirth aside, we are non-sexually screwed as a society lose this sense of entitlement labelling and find our way back (if we ever do) to being just male and female alpha's and beta's again. 

Make no mistake though, there aren't exclusively alphas' or betas' in either sex, and many women rely on their 'alpha' side more than ever nowadays. Take for example single mothers, who have to be both 'alpha' and 'beta' simply because in a lot of cases they have the two roles of mum and dad with their children. Women in business executive roles may also have to adopt a stronger 'alpha' side while they are in their working environment. I cite Dragons' Den entrepreneur, Deborah Meaden, as being a very 'alpha' female who, in her power-dressing and red lipstick mode would present a very formidable figure to just about any 'alpha' or 'beta' male or female in her presence. However, my guess would be that outside of her business environment, Deborah Meaden is otherwise quite a 'beta' female in most respects.

I guess I'm just one of the lucky 'alpha's then because for whatever reason (I don't know) I find that by being confident in myself and comfortable with it I've found that happy equilibrium between both 'alpha' and 'beta', and can remain single and independent as a free-spirit without getting myself entangled in all the emotional knots and expectations which would otherwise be a societal expectation of me.

So the whole finding a partner thing, getting married, having kids, and buying a dog to complete the circle would never be a scenario I would be interested in at all. I  abhor the idea of any of it - especially the kids and dog bit, and anything to do with having a family I find almost puke inducing because I know it simply isn't me, who I am, or who I EVER want to be! It's not that I didn't try, and I have an awesome son to prove it and my now long-time ex was a brilliant partner in every respect. 

For me though, it was a life lesson learned and a never to be repeated one. It taught me that my personality is more suited to the freedom of independence and a vast array of greater choices in life other than what I see as being anchored to something which verges on the deep, black bottomless hole of would-be utter depression, as I've already been there and done that one.

None of which, however, should be seen to detract from the embedded instincts common to all males; of which I am one, and that is of our genealogical antecedency and the need for sexual congress with the aspiration of finding 'hypergamy' from it. Like all creatures of nature we ultimately seek to find the characteristics of a strong partner in others who will enable our bloodline to follow on, of which 'hypergamy' is the action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of a superior sociological or educational background to enable this.

So already we have the premise of a hypothetical foundation stone. The hypothesis being that while the 'hypergamy' to produce offspring may be the genealogical objective planted within your female mind,  the core objective of the male is simply to fuck you and move on - except it isn't as simple as this because there are complex strategies which walk the male through a minefield of objections (disqualifiers) before he reaches his ultimate goal; a release of ejaculate and an explosion of self-satisfying endorphins.

In order to reach that self-satisfying state of sheer ejaculate release and pleasure the male must first of all set the scene.

Every interaction with a woman goes through several ‘stages’:

  • Approaching.
  • The social hook point (meaning you would rather stay with him than leave).
  • The sexual hook point (meaning you're aroused by his presence).
  • Vibing (building an emotional connection).
  • Taking you home.
  • And, of course, sex.
  • No man will plan out every line he's going to say to you, but he would have a specific strategy for moving through each of the above stages in one way or another.

Most men though don't have a particular strategy, at least not always a conscious one anyway, and would, I guess, fall into the category of being unconsciously hapless in their approach to you and rely upon perhaps the little bit cheeky, a little bit full of themselves, banterish, typical lad type approach of which you get the full theatrical version of when assisted by the lubricant of alcohol in his bloodstream. You've been there, you know what it's like, right?

This 'peacocking' behaviour on the surface of it presents the most attractive combination of psychological traits in a man on a night out with the lads - narcissism and happiness. Narcissism for our purposes here is delusional self-confidence and reckless self-interest. It's the characteristic of a man who has massive double-standards regarding himself versus the women he dates, and he knows it, and he laughs when he's called out on it.

Developing a specific, strategically deployable form of narcissism concerning the opposite sex is tricky and every man will integrate this property into their existing social personality differently, and in one way or another.

Learned-narcissism mirrors pre-selection closely. In pre-selection, you won't have enough information to know whether a man is fit for reproduction so you use the judgments of other women to make that evaluation. With narcissism and delusional self-confidence in a man, you won't have enough information to know whether he is fit for reproduction so he will use the judgment that he has made about himself to make that evaluation for you and in doing so assume the power lead over you. At the moment, so to speak, he portrays himself as being' alpha' which will be attractive to you, because deep within the circuitry of your mind the mere inkling of 'hypergamy' triggers a sense of excitement which again, at the moment, you can rationalise and if the inner driver is strong enough act upon.

Now, THIS is where it becomes REALLY interesting and where you get a quick lesson in neuropsychology because what's happening is a tiny part of your brain within the temporal lobes in complex vertebrates houses something called the amygdala. Two almond-shaped clusters, one in each hemisphere, where emotions are given meaning, remembered and attached to associations and responses to them (emotional memories).

Stimulation of the amygdala causes intense emotions, such as aggression or fear, as well as those 'gut feelings' we all experience as to what's considered good or bad. It is also where memory and emotions are combined. When the reward is particularly sweet, that behaviour and association may last a lifetime. Likewise, the trauma and humiliation of punishment may be remembered for a long time too, but what we are going to focus on is the word 'reward' because herein lies the key to it all - and I'll simplify a lot of otherwise technical language to explain it.

This is where, while you have a sense of knowing that you shouldn't do something you do it anyway because there is a real sense of 'buzz' from doing it anyway. Millions of years ago, your amygdala was responsible for our survival. It told us to be afraid of predators, to keep a low profile, to eat when we needed sustenance, to ensure our safety at all costs. Back then, it was useful. Today, it still does those things, but it's utterly antiquated because our social evolution happens far faster than our physical and neurological evolution. Biologically, we are still programmed to operate as though we are living in a one-hundred-person tribe with lots of sabretooth tigers hiding in the bushes, even though that's not even remotely what our world looks like today.

In the working world, the contributions of our amygdala manifest themselves in a desire to play it safe, to hide at our desks, to do whatever it takes not to attract the attention of our superiors (the amygdala hates attention, as attention is a threat to safety).

 The amygdala tells us not to speak up at the meeting because people might laugh at us and our ideas. The amygdala tells us not to accomplish anything significant and to just check Facebook and Twitter all day because that's safer. The amygdala tells us to shut up, sit down, and exist in comfortable mediocrity. It will invent countless reasons, excuses, emergencies, illnesses, and distractions to get us to do so. It is afraid of what might happen if we were to contribute something meaningful. So, in other words, the amygdala is a built-in safety-valve which in the main we can regulate (I say 'in the main' because there are exceptions within psychiatric illness which determine otherwise), and that's it.

So, in terms of getting into your panties, a guy has to find ways to switch your built-in safety valve into 'safe' mode at exactly the right moment, and one of the ways to disarm it is by 'peacocking' himself so that you to feel comfortable with his narcissism and happiness. But let's not forget that his display is only for temporary courtship, and if you are seeing him as someone with 'hypergamy' because in your mind you are being 'rewarded' then it is likely that as soon as he feels his feet are under the table, so to speak, his 'alpha' male peacock reverts to being a 'beta' male again and the 'man-child' surfaces. You know the type, boy dressed as a man who is so lacking in emotional maturity and throws his toys out of the pram at the least little thing so that you begin to question whether you are his replacement mother or his partner? Yes, him.

So, if he's been talking to you for a couple of hours, and he thinks you want to go home with him, he will need a strategy to make that happen (because you're not necessarily going to do it for him).

He will more than likely have an excuse prepared to take you home with him (i.e. “It’s too loud here, let’s go somewhere I can hear you better.” Or, “There’s an after-party nearby, let’s check it out quick.”)

Similarly, he will have some “openers” prepared that are likely to start a good conversation with girls he approaches.

If he can make, “Hey, I thought you were pretty and I had to say hi,” work consistently, he will do that. But if he's having trouble getting his interactions to last more than 30 seconds, he will be thinking about different conversation starters he can use.

Or, if he can start a conversation, but girls don’t seem to get sexually attracted to him, he will come up with specific strategies to overcome that hurdle. For example, he might practice holding strong eye contact or learn how to speak with a more masculine tonality.

See, the power of  techniques is that he can use a specific technique to address whatever it is that’s holding him back from getting results. He can methodically overcome any obstacle by implementing the appropriate technique.

An opener is direct if it demonstrates he's interested in you. The classic direct opener is, “I thought you were cute and I had to say hi.”

Direct openers absolutely can work. Some girls are going to be instantly attracted to it – and being direct will give these women a reason to flirt with him. Occasionally, direct approaches can lead to instant make-outs and 5-minute pulls.

However, being direct will also get him immediately rejected – a lot, because most women aren’t going to be attracted to him the moment he approaches them.

Opening directly forces you to make a snap decision about him. Keep in mind that women get hit on by a lot of creepy, pushy guys. When he opens directly, most girls are going to assume he's just another creepy, pushy guy – and so, they’ll reject him.

This is why opening indirectly is so valuable. It allows him to distinguish himself from the many guys who just want to get in your panties. By being indirect, he's showing that he's interested in having a real conversation with you. He's not thirsty, he's just social.

One simple indirect opener he may use is to assume you. For example, if you look Brazilian he may simply ask, “Are you from Spain?”

It doesn’t matter if his guess is accurate. The point of this opener is that he's saying something that’s emotionally relevant to you – women love to know what people think of them.

He’ll probably guess wrong, and you’ll tell him where you're actually from. He may follow up by saying, “Oh, I see, you just looked a little too stylish to be from here.” Making you feel good will open you up to having a real conversation with him. He won’t want to be overly complimentary, but it’s generally good to start a conversation off on a positive note.

Another indirect opener he may use for example,  goes like this:

Him: Hey, can I ask you something?

Being indirect isn’t about hiding his sexual intentions. It’s about giving you an opportunity to make an informed decision about him, rather than pressuring you to make a snap decision. When opening indirectly, he still will have a sexual vibe, but he's not putting you into an uncomfortable position by telling you he is attracted to you.


When he's interacting with a you, you're going to assume that he wants to sleep with you by default. You're probably used to being aggressively pursued by men who want to fuck you. This assumption works against him because it gives you the power in the interaction. You knows you have something he wants. And you knows it’s up to you whether to give it to him.

The power of disqualifiers is that they turn this dynamic on its head. He's showing you that he's not sure whether he's sexually attracted to you, and that in fact, HE is the prize to be won.

A favourite disqualifier goes like this, “Hey, you’re adorable. I’m adopting you as my new little sister.” By saying this, he's framing that you're fun to be around, but he doesn’t see you in a sexual light. This gives you an incentive to prove to him that you are sexually attractive (by pursuing him).

Another simple disqualifier he may use goes like this, “You’re not my type, but you’re fun to talk to. We should be friends.

By making you think you're not his type, he's showing you that he's a challenge. Women love to win over a guy. The challenge is thrilling for women. A woman rarely gets this opportunity though, because most men throw themselves at her feet. So he will use disqualifiers to give women the challenge they secretly desire because psychologically women have 'hypergamy' embedded deep in their subconscious coupled with their natural maternal instinct.

Compliance Ladders.

The term compliance ladder sounds inherently creepy. Despite this, compliance ladders are so effective they can’t be ignored.

Compliance ladders are based on a principle in psychology known as the “foot in the door technique”. Psychologists found that when someone agrees to a small request, they’re far more likely to agree to a subsequent larger request.

This principle has powerful implications in dating.  If the first request he makes of you is for you to come home with him, chances are you’ll say no.

However, if he first asks you to get a drink with him, then he asks you to go to another club with him, and only then, he asks you to hang out at his place, you're considerably more likely to agree.

He will have a basic idea of the steps he's going to take to pull you back to his place. Ask for small amounts of compliance at first, then increasingly larger amounts of compliance over time.

For example, he might do the following: (an Example of the 'Night Game')

  • After talking with you for a few minutes, he may invite you to dance with him.
  • After dancing with you, he will invite you to talk with him outside.
  • After talking you outside, he may then invite you to check out a nearby club. (if there     are no nearby clubs, he can invite you to get food with him somewhere nearby, or just   skip this step).
  • After checking out a nearby club with him, then invite you back to his place to get a drink.

Now, the exact steps he’ll take will depend on the situation. The above applies to meeting you at a club, but during the day, it might look like this: (an example of the 'Daygame')

What is Daygame?

Daygame is the art of meeting and attracting women without going to nightclubs. It could be while you’re walking down the street, in a clothing store, at the train station. It usually happens during the day, hence why it’s called Daygame. Conversely 'Nightgame' is the same but in a night time scenario - club, bar, etc.

  • After talking with you for a few minutes, invite you to get a cup of coffee with him.
  • After hanging out at the coffee shop for a while, invite you to go on a walk with him.
  • After walking with you, invite you to get a drink with him at a nearby bar.
  • After getting a drink with you, invite you to get a drink at his place.

If he fails to plan, he plans to fail. Bringing a girl home with him from a club is rarely going to happen unless he has a specific strategy in place.

The value in compliance ladders is that they not only make a girl more likely to agree to his requests, but they also allow him to structure his interactions in a consistent, reliable way.

If you are open to the idea of going home with him, and he goes through the steps of his ‘compliance ladder’ he will pull you home with him – every single time.

A woman’s brain is designed to align with the tribal leader of her community. Why? Because it improves HER chances of survival and replication dramatically in the 'hypergamy' scenario. Professional pick up artists know exactly the right triggers to break into this hard-wired circuitry and use it to their advantage.

So what are the required components to make all of this happen, and how do they come together like a set meal from the appetising menu of a Michelin star restaurant?

Remember that little thing called the 'amygdala'? Well, this is where the professional PUA, -sorry, I mean 'dating coach' (or at least those at the top of their game) will teach a male student the art of offering their metaphorical hand of friendship to your 'amygdala' by means of NLP - neurolinguistic programming (Neurolinguistics is the study of the neural mechanisms in the human brain that control the comprehension, production, and acquisition of language). 

Or if a male student wants to reach the dizzy heights (if only there were such a thing) of being so damn good at the 'game' (as they call it) to almost Oscar-winning performance then the combination of NLP and being something of a 'mentalist' (mind-reading skills) to boot, will do it. To fully explain the complexities of which in both cases, and minutiae of detail, will be enough to send you racing down to your local pharmacy to purchase every available packet and bottle of paracetamol available. So I will do my best to keep my explanation concise and intelligible: and this is my best and final offer.

Men have to start by calibrating the situation if they want to increase their chances of success. Having said that, if they are in telesales and have 3.6 seconds to make an impact, they will forget the calibration and dive in there head first using the methods most likely to work.

Pace – Pacing is critical in building rapport especially when using the phone. Pacing is the act of following your speech tempo.

This does not mean mimic you or make a half-assed attempt at copying your accent, it simple means listening for your speed and pitch of delivery and match it as closely as they can.

Fast talkers usually get frustrated with slow talkers, and slow talkers think people that talk at 100mph are on speed and can feel intimidated by them. When men start to do this effectively they quickly build rapport and immediately get themselves on the same page as you.

Lead – If they’ve paced properly they can then lead. Once they are pacing and in rapport they can then start to return slowly to how they want the conversation to go. Low and behold you will often unconsciously start to pace them, and have control of the situation as well as knowing they have rapport. 

Mirror/Match – This is like pacing but for the body. People that are in rapport will often have similar body language. Next time you’re in a restaurant or bar look for couples and see if you can spot those that are in completely engrossed in each other.  When one crosses a leg, more often than not the other will do too.

This is all done at an unconscious level, and a good starting point with this can be with an introductory handshake. This is also known as 'Anchoring' and mere touch can work wonders for anchoring you to him, because 'Anchoring' when done in the right way leads to a 'comfort zone familiarity' on the 'compliance ladder'.

Note: Mirroring and matching are really one and the same, with matching if you cross your left leg, he will do too, and with mirroring you it would mean he would cross the opposite leg.

Eye Contact – This is really difficult to get right to and he'd be best advised to be vague and look to see what you do. It can be creepy if he holds your stare for too long and equally it can seem weird if he is gazing everywhere but at you. So he will hold eye contact when you are talking because this shows interest but he will break it from time to time.

Compliments – The vast majority of people like complements and are attracted to people that give them one. A big no-no for him though is not to make them up.

Smiling – This is a tough one when talking about building rapport. It can depend heavily on the person he is trying to build rapport with and the situation he is in.

Representational Systems – This take s a lot of practice and not advised it to be the first thing he does. We all have a primary representational system that will be visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

On the whole, people that are visual will have a tendency to use words and phrases like “I see what you man”, “I get the picture” “Let me focus in on that”. Auditory people will be more inclined to say “I hear you” “Sounds great to me” “It’s as clear as a bell”. Kinesthetic people will tend towards phrases like “I can’t quite grasp that” “That just feels right to me” “My gut tells me”

A word of warning: We all use every representational system so he will want to be looking for patterns not specifics. If in doubt he will mix it up and try avoiding staying stuck in his own, just in case.

If he does, and you communicate using a different one, you’re likely to get bored with him quicker than a bullet out of a barrel.

He will look for things in common – He will look for signs of things you like that he also likes.

The moment he gets you talking about a passion that you both share is the moment that you have rapport.

He will ask questions – Most people (although far from all) like to talk about themselves and if he keeps asking you to tell him more you’ll think he's just brilliant!

Conversational style - A successful PUA student will ALWAYS be aware of and use his voice effectively! So will most radio and television presenters and other authority figures, by the way, because tone and modulation play a HUGELY important part in effective communication. Let's say, for example, a newsreader is telling the story of how 10,000 people died in an earthquake, the last thing you'd expect or want to see or hear is that person jumping down in excitement about it. So where the successful PUA is concerned the correct balance of vocal tone and modulation combined with exacting body language is pretty much-guaranteed ways to gain your compliance.

All of the above, I have to add, being the foundation stones upon which salespeople worth their salts are taught to sell the product. Quintessentially we are salespeople anyway because we sell ourselves in everyday situations and various guises without even realising we are doing so; with the job CV nowadays probably representing the greatest selling skill required of everyone in the employment market. So the question is, why do so many men fail to use these same transferable skills when presenting their relationship CV to females, and therefore feel the need to attend courses and boot camps to train for something which should be so intrinsically simple as engaging with you as the opposite sex? Of which your answer would understandably be that the jury may be out for quite some time deciding.

My own and perhaps somewhat guileless answer takes us into the political territory of the Blair era and the 1980's where the 'millennial' male arose from. Having lived through that period I can bear witness to a sea-change in 'maleness' - and arguably the visible morphing from 'alpha' to 'beta' in male attitude and presentation. The 1980s males became more in touch with their female side in terms of dress code and for a lot, the need to glam-up with touches of lipstick and mascara as their pièce de résistance in a self-adoring and grossly inflated 'amour propre' way. Welcome in with no drum roll to mark the occasion, the 'metrosexual' man: a heterosexual urban man who enjoyed shopping, fashion, and similar interests traditionally associated with women or gay men.

There was also a cult in foppishness driven by the influence of popular music at that time and from which modern-day 'genderqueer' has become popularised, and I suggest, the now heavily leaning 'beta' male.

In a Canadian study (2019) that sought insight into ways to improve gender-specific health care, it was discovered that out of 630 males — again, age 15 to 29 — most of them identified selflessness, social-conscience, and openness as primary ideal values in a male figure. This is a prominent and marked change from the traditional and stereotypical image of masculinity of the Baby Boomer generation and certainly a change from the 1950s conception of the “real man.

“Young Canadian men seem to be holding masculine values that are distinctly different from those of previous generations,” lead author John Oliffe, a nursing professor who leads the men’s health research program at the University of British Columbia, said in a statement. “These values may run counter to long-standing claims that young men are typically hedonistic, hyper-competitive, and that they risk or neglect their health.”

So here we are, fast-forwarded to 2021 with a generation of basically rudderless 'millennial' men caught somewhere between 'alpha' and 'beta' and with no form of internal GPS to guide them.

Okay,  let's drill down further into what makes a guy 'alpha' or 'beta' in terms of social status, and either 'higher' or 'lower' in the dating-mating game.

Guys of 'higher/alpha' status are considered to be typically made up of the following characteristics -

They are admired and desirable because they have NO need to impress.

ll manner of people fit into this category, and to a certain extent it's cyclical; if he has high social value he's admired, and if he's admired he have high social value. On the other hand, there are all kinds of ways to be desirable and admired; a lot of women also fit into this category, but so do politicians, rocket scientists, rock-stars, PUAs, and rich men.

They are relaxed and confident.

Confidence is VITAL to high social status. It doesn't matter whether he's confident because he graduated from the school of hard knocks or because he's had everything he ever wanted handed to him on a silver platter; if he's confident, he's relaxed in the knowledge that he can handle whatever life throws at him, and succeed at whatever he undertakes.

He'll vibe this confidence at the people around him, and it will be a powerfully positive experience for them. Higher-status people will appreciate him, and lower-status people will desire or envy him. 

His confidence will NEVER be taken as 'arrogance' because 'arrogance' displays a confidence that is flawed and he will have to over-compensate to make up for his shortcoming in personality and confidence.

Relaxation and confidence also means he's NOT NEEDY. This is good because needy men tend to come across as either pathetic or dangerous.

They behave naturally.

This is what it means to 'be himself', in the classic dating-advice sense. It doesn't mean he will burp and fart and be depressing if he feels like it. It means HE WON'T BE TRY-HARD

Men will fake it till they make it, of course. Socially intelligent people can tell when men are incongruent, and for you as a woman it's not just weird; it can actually be alarming.

It implies that he's hiding something - possibly one of the more dangerous low-social-status traits like fear, volatility, or disdain for the unattainable.

Their time and energy has value.

If men have high social value, they recognize that their time and energy ALSO have value. This means they're willing to cut off boring threads of conversation - even with desirable people - and that he will spend his time doing things that are ultimately productive, either in fun-value or in other ways. If you wander off 'to the bathroom' or 'to go dance' without him, he has run out of fun-value. 

They are socially intelligent.

If he is socially intelligent, he knows the score. He understands, intuitively, who has social status and who doesn't, and what's going on when two people flirt, and all manner of other things.

They are respectful of other people.

He will be interesting to you for the things he passionately believes in and 'owns that passion for what he believes in' - but even if he disagrees he will respect others for their views and agree to disagree on respectful, amicable terms, because he recognises that we all have our own uniqueness, and this is what makes the world an interesting place to be in.

He will rarely, if ever, show anger.

Anger is a not an admirable trait and he recognises that it will lower his status. He therefore knows how to keep his emotions in check and possesses the intelligence to work his way around any thought or situation which may cause anger in a rational way, because he will always seek a constructive and productive outcome which keeps in your eyes and those of others his status raised.

Silence is Golden.

A deafening silence is something of not. The lack of nothing; blank, zilch, plain empty, and yet very loud at the same time; so this actually “really means something”, a huge something! Yet it’s a nothing, nothing which speaks volumes.

As Shakespeare once said, "The empty vessel makes the loudest  sound." In other words, he/she who shouts the loudest has the least to say, or usually has the most to hide.

He will not shout at you, or talk you down, and when he is silent he will be processing to respond to you in the most appropriate way, because it is his strength to respond, not react. He also knows that seduction works best when the power of his almost silent voice comes with tonality when seeking compliance from you.

So there you have your ideal 'alpha' male of 'higher' status. So, no guesses for what's coming next, right? Yes,  the guy you may well be more familiar with.

The 'Lower/Beta' status male.

They seek approval and acceptance.

Guys with low social status suffer from a deficit of validation. Sometimes they legitimately don't get the recognition they deserve, and suffer from unwillingness or inability to reframe; other times it's because they're neurotic and no amount of validation will ever be enough. Unable to validate themselves, they seek approval and acceptance from other people.

They are volatile and anxious.

The world is a frightening place when you don't know what's going to happen next and you don't know if you'll be able to deal with it, whatever it is. People without confidence react to this great, frightening unknown with a level of perpetual anxiety that they vibe at others. Driven by their own perceived helplessness and rage, they will explode with fits of anger, or display disproportionate fear; of women, of change, etc. It's by no means a rarity that those guys with a fear of women (deeply hidden) can be the most controlling in a relationship.

They try to buy what they can't earn.

In terms of social status, this is very important. People who don't understand how to display higher value will try to BUY approval. It DOES NOT increase his social status or make him desirable to women. If it's clear he's trying to buy approval, he will LOSE VALUE. Your reaction to a man you do not already find desirable supplicating for approval is about the same as his reaction when he's approached on the street for 'spare change'. Maybe he'll give the bloke his spare change, sure - but what if he was asking for sex? Would he bang him?

I don't think so!

They disdain what they can't have.

Guys with low social status disdain what they can't have. Helpless to attain what they desire, they reject it pre-emptively instead.

This means men who hate women.
This means women who hate other women.
This means those who aren't getting it who hate the idea of anyone else getting laid.
This means men who hate confident, competent men.

They are NOT socially intelligent!

Guys Gain Status When:

Their worth is recognised and appreciated.

The higher the social status of the person appreciating him, the more status he gains, and why some guys are successful with women while others have to pay for boot-camp learning stemming from a legacy of 'alpha' male dilution and conditioned helplessness.

But as the millennials and the offspring of the millennials have grown up the 'beta' lower social status has decreased incrementally without them even realising it, because, as the old saying goes, ignorance is bliss. I'm reminded of the lyrics from 'Blur' - "Girls who want boys who like boys to be girls. Who do boys like they're girls, Who do girls like they're boys." No further explanation is needed, except for the fact that the maelstrom of confusion becomes further compounded by yet another influence from the music industry twenty or so years further on.

'Metrosexuality' left a void which 'gangsta' culture slowly occupied, and 'alpha' maledom reclaimed and took ownership of. The eventuality of it becoming all about guns, girls, drugs, and material possession. Everything became about male superiority in a world where women became pretty much disposable in a pass-around way as nothing more than chattels and adornments of the male ego.

Song lyrics were, and remain to this day, raw, simplistic, and engage on a level equivalent to adult nursery rhymes appealing to the lowest common denominator in terms of understanding. This phenomenon isn't entirely exclusive to males either, as demonstrated by an artist named Lady Leshurr, whose ability to weave such literary genius as -

"Brush your teeth, brush your teeth.

Brush your teeth, brush your teeth.

Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. 

Brush your teeth, brush your teeth,"

into a song which racked up more than 100 million views, surely must leave room for a lyrical numpty such as myself to wax on about wiping my backside and achieve no less than three Ivor Novello awards, a handful of Grammy's, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So carefully and thoughtfully crafted was the above 'Brush your teeth' line that it had to be repeated again for the benefit of those who didn't quite understand on first hearing, then second, third and finally the fourth for those with the learning ability of a slug slithering in and getting off it's head on cannabis oil, who by then will hopefully have got the message. But hold it there, as the real test follows!

"I shell down the dance like braaa

Mi bruck down di dance like braaa

Dudududu, dudududu

I be the one they love, I be the don

They know where I'm from

01 to the 21, yo bredrin

Where has your hairline gone?"

All of a sudden I'm hearing echoes of Blur's, "Girls who want boys who like boys to be girls" in my head again as the line between 'alpha' and 'beta' females becomes blurred. Her lyrics may be far removed from the 'gangsta' style, but there is an argument to support the conjecture that this is a girl fighting back against what she sees as the norm, in her world at least.

It may well be some time ago that I last sat in an English class at school, but I'm pretty damn sure that since then standards of teaching haven't yet sunk so far down that this is the best we can do for our children in terms of learning and using our language. Unless of course, I'm hugely mistaken. In which case I hope I'm alive to witness a future Chancellor's budget speech to the House of Commons. Meanwhile, I can probably attribute my lack of hairline and hair in total to the general shortcomings of literacy in the world as it stands.

The millennials in general, but thankfully not all have descended so far down the gene pool they've become low social status with all credit going to the faux 'alpha' males who are driving any possibility of equilibrium into the very, very long grass. In short, The 'alpha' male has overreached and become oppressive by default of ignorance and in certain respects culture.

Lower status males, as mentioned before, have a deep-rooted fear of females which has tragically in some cases translated into hatred, as confirmed by the following lyric written by Esham, about an ex-girlfriend -

"I used to love her, too bad I had to put a slug through her/Dumped her body in the trash like I never knew her/Blood runnin down the gutter into the sewer/Her body stunk for weeks like horse manure."

While there is no concrete evidence to support the theory that his 'faux-alpha' maleness was too much of a challenge for the real 'alpha' in his deceased ex-partner it does at least present reason for consideration, and although the two are entirely unrelated, as I write this in early 2021 the considerable rise in domestic violence by male perpetrators due to COVID does, in my belief, go further to demonstrate the level of displacement felt by a concerning proportion of the millennial-male generation which in my view simply does not know its place in the world today. 

According to the UK government website - "The government acknowledges that coronavirus household isolation instructions can cause anxiety for those who are experiencing or feel at risk of domestic abuse." Corner a dog in a dead-end street and it will turn and bite out of fear, so it can be argued that men will attack out of fear when feeling displaced. Not that it's in any way acceptable, of course, but it does at least go towards providing some explanation.

It cannot be argued against that music is influential, and whereas some followers will take it as almost Biblical in every sense of the word others see the lifestyle as being cool and emulate it on a lesser level, but with typically same aggressive attitude on the darker side of the young millennial male, 'faux-alpha' personality.

Conversely, some young millennial females also fit the aggressive 'alpha' type because their male counterparts have taught them learned behaviour as an autoresponder defense mechanism because to be with the 'boys' means being 'one of the boys' - tattoos and all, so to speak, and basic tribalism. While for others it means nothing more than putting on the 'bitch face/bitch shield' (noun: a woman's defensive response to deter unknown men who approach her. Though her reaction to an opening line may be rude, this does not necessarily mean the female herself is rude, or even impossible to engage in a conversation. It may be something as simple as just having a bad day, or a challenging few minutes, and she's been caught unawares)- as it's known in dating circles.

Thankfully the vast majority of both males and females are very non-aggressive, have no preponderance towards violence in both thought and action, and are otherwise well-adjusted human beings.

What must be of greater concern is the remaining, simmering undercurrent of female disempowerment which hovers over society, above our heads and out of immediate eye view, as the inflatable elephant in the room full of air, and slowly deflating.

Right now in 2021, the divide between male and female has become a battleground divided by labeling, self-identity, politics of envy, and greed, on a 'screaming me-me', I want, I want, quite selfish, individual needs based stage where everyone becomes the player seeking their place in the spotlight which has spiraled out of all control and sensibility.

The Biblical Adam and Eve idiom of Christian belief has for the most part been abandoned as people moved on to materialism as the new deity where the rich grow richer, the poor grow poorer and the chasm between the have's and the have not's deepens.

An eighteen-year-old female who I am close to, but not in any way intimately, recently sat down on my sofa, and in conversation walked me through something I remember well. How she would like to be in a relationship that her grandfather and mother enjoy. One where they have been solid together over a period spanning fifty years of marriage, and again I find myself reflecting on relationships of the past where the 'alpha' male went out to work while his 'beta' wife stayed at home to bring up the children, and each knew their role within their lives together, united as one.

Of course, this will never reoccur until arguably the 'real' men and women sort out their differences and roles, and the wannabees, self-identifying labelers, cease to grandstand their own ego-driven, screaming me-me, self-importance.

The real women who aren't baby-making machines, wives, girlfriends, domestic managers, homemakers, trophies, and have all manner of other 'labels' attached to them which both consciously and subconsciously keeps them covertly under the global patriarchy. The real men who accept and respect the female place in the world being other than that of submissive to the historical patriarchy of indoctrination and superiority.  

The real men: and some other women have to accept that it is the woman's choice as to what she will and won't do with the body that she has complete ownership of, and respect her choices as to whether she wants to have babies without feeling coerced into it because it is expected of her as a woman, or whether she chooses to be a stripper; have multiple partners; engage in sex work -  and all or any of which with or without a man, or makes other choices for herself which she has the freewill to enjoy as an individual in her own right. It's no one else's business. Let her BE!

The problem is the cultural dip into lower social status, aided and abetted by gangs, music, and YouTube videos which propagate the lesser value of women in general as subservient chattels of their self-appointed, ego-inflated male owners, it would seem. 

Sorry to disappoint any males with this belief, and in fact any males in general, but the fact remains women DON'T actually need you, men, as much as you may believe they do, in every respect. Women will never be equal to men until men let go of their ego's and outdated, prehistoric, and Biblical/theological type beliefs. Simple.

In studying the archetypal models of the PUA sites, I have to say that although in essence, the ideological structure works quite well in terms of man meeting woman, the structure dismantles itself where using it as a tool (no pun intended) to bed as many women as possible in most cases because it is based on imbalance, not equality, and if women were allowed to be free, able, and uninhibited enough to have sex with as many men as she chooses without being labeled for it.

In a lot of respects we have inherited  a somewhat peculiar and outdated, intrinsically via the historical Church of England - schizoid attitude towards sex in this country, and we are way, way, way behind our European counterparts, where there is far more openness, transparency, and tolerance. There again we have a somewhat unique attitude towards alcohol consumption too when it comes to our European counterparts by comparison. As in, if it's worth doing it's worth overdoing. Alcohol, which also incidentally plays a significant part in human sexual behaviour when Brits holiday abroad because as soon as younger Brits take a holiday away from their families and those who would perhaps otherwise judge them for the same behaviour on home turf, all inhibitions become blown away with the wind because the same people can feel more like the selves they want to be and no one thinks any the lesser for it, which in most respects; minus the sun and beaches, is pretty much the behaviour of students at University back here, where sex, partying, drugs and letting the hair down in every way possible is considered a rite of passage. I know one teen female student very well who indulges herself in every way possible and thoroughly enjoys each and every minute of it. Whereas on graduating she will be expected to move on from all of this because it's what society in general expect of her, and to fit in and normalise herself. Not because she necessarily wants to, but because she 'has' to. Such is the expectation of her as a woman.

Sadly though, nothing will ever change for women until the 'Penis with half a Brain' attitude changes.


"Contrary to probable belief, I've never been into the pick-up game, as such."