The real balance of power

I look at people I know and see that the submissives I know are the more out-going group. They are also the more opinionated faction, less hesitant to speak their minds. But, according to prevailing public opinion, submissives are doormats, incapable of making a decision themselves, who are not allowed to have independent thoughts, who will not protest a direct order. Sorry to burst a bubble, but that is far from true.

Personally, I think the mundane tend to view submissives as less than human because they cannot comprehend how someone could willingly allow themselves to be tormented and humiliated. Maybe it started as some macho masturbatory fantasy…a person who will let you do anything and everything, no matter how perverse the act, and do it without a fuss. It’s an interesting idea, one that some people role-play, but that is not the reality of a D/s relationship at all.

Dominance and submission are equal sides of the same coin. One cannot exist with out the other. Entering into a D/s relationship is a choice that each partner makes for themselves. Each partner brings their own unique gifts to the relationship. In this case, the dominant and the submissive need each other’s talents and abilities for the relationship to work. It’s difficult to top one’s self or bottom to yourself, and it would quickly get boring even if you could do it.

The true balance of power in a D/s relationship is 50-50. Both parties made an informed choice to be there. The sub can leave at any time, despite what the couple may say to each other. Both partners take care of each other, both look out for each other, both worry about each other. They work together to achieve their goals. The submissive needs what the dominant is offering just as much as the dominant needs what the submissive is offering. Each partner has strengths and weaknesses that they balance out to form a strong single unit.

Submitting to someone is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It’s being secure enough in who you are to allow others to take control of you. It’s being brave enough to ask someone to help you explore the things that you only dream of. It’s having the courage to do the things that fascinate you. It’s knowing yourself well enough to understand what you need, despite what other people may think about it. It’s the ability to reach out and make your desires become reality. I don’t see any weakness there at all.

Look beyond the stereotypes, go past the role-playing. You might be surprised at what is there.

Next: The 'Ultimate' Orgasm.

How to recognise the 'Real Doms' from the amateurs and fakes.

How to distinguish the 'real' Dominant from the 'Fake'!

When '50 Shades' appeared firstly in novel form our heads fell downwards into our hands in sheer despair. Why? Because just about every male on the planet suddenly saw themselves as Christian Grey and 'God's gift to women' was reborn in the shape of penis smaller than the ego of the male it was attached to.

Any belief that this was a story created from the mind of the author was taken as a Haynes manual. Whereas it should have been seen more as a 'Dummies Guide for Idiots'. As a consequence of this guys just blundered in, and a vast majority did more harm than good by putting their female partners off BDSM play for life.

To be fair, I am referring to amateur play between couples here. However, a spark leads to a flame and with the right care and encouragement it will ignite into a burning desire of passionate engagement to learn and experience even more sexual pleasures - with a twist.

So. All that said, what are the Doms you should look out for and avoid for your own health and safety!

- The well meaning amateur aka the 'Snert'.

Someone used to vanilla sex with a partner who may well have read '50 Shades' and has ventured into slapping/spanking play, light bondage and restraint, hair pulling during intercourse and has used implements bought from a sex shop or on-line on his partner. May have ventured into having partner dress up as a fetish, or possibly even dressed up himself to create sexual arousal. If you are a genuine submissive the last thing you need for your confidence and growth is someone who ums and ahs, is not really sure what to next for the best, is clumsy in his delivery and your senses give you the impression that you probably know more than him. 

SnertsHNG’s (Horny Net Geeks)WannabesControl Freaks. Sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, now and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

– The HNG (Horny Net Geek).

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

- The hen pecked.

In his private life his partner is the dominant personality as much as his boss at work. He feels inferior and inadequate in his relationships and to compensate for this he will take on the role of a Dom with any willing (and niave) female sexual partner he can find. His behaviour may be demeaning and belittling towards her as this is the only means of exerting power he has in his life, and if his penis matched the size of his over-inflated ego and arrogance then he might have something to have real bragging rights about.

- The Sadist, Hen Pecked and the Control Freak.

Sometimes the 'hen pecked' can also be sadists as well, and both in truth are nothing more than wolves in sheep's clothing. Sadists have a deep but self-unrecognised hatred of women, and again driven by ego they get off more on hurting and abusing females so they feel better about themselves for doing so and will exert the maximum of control in as many ways as their unhinged imaginations will allow in order to reach maximum sexual fulfillment.

– Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissive's may find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. 

Control Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you’. They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticise and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you it’s very hard to get untangled.

– Rapists and Predators.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them.

Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene).

Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Why are the above oh so wrong on every level?

What the above fail to recognise or accept is the fact that the Dom/sub relationship as perhaps more commonly and popularly believed to be is a misnomer, and pretty much everything '50 Shades' isn't!

Professionally speaking, the rightful Dom/sub relationship is always on equal terms as a power exchange, and no more. By what may seem like a strange quirk to some, there is almost a borderline role reversal which takes place. In as much as the Dominant becomes the submissive by virtue of the fact that the Dom can only do what the sub consents to for one, and secondly, the Dom's role is that of a guide and facilitator on the sub's own personal journey. If it becomes about the Dom and the sub's role is secondary to this then the relationship is ego-driven and unhealthy for the sub.

Yes, the Dom role is very much about guiding his sub on a journey which takes her beyond what her comfort zones are, but there is also a very fine line between doing so in such a way as is beneficial to the sub and sexual abuse at the lower end of the scale, or rape in the worst case scenario. And this is absolutely what differentiates the amateur from the professional, like myself.

There isn't a professional out there who hasn't been on a steep learning curve at some point, and it can be easy to misread subs when there is no proper clarification from them and we've veered unwittingly into a scenario which then transpires to be uncomfortable for both Dom and sub alike. On very rare occasions we make mistakes like everyone else in life and grow from them, ultra quick! But as stated, these are very rare indeed.

The professional Dom will have spent years acquiring the specialist skills and knowledge required of him to be able to do what is required safely without completely disconnecting himself from his feelings, but at the same time being able to work in a very calm, rational and almost Zen like naturally meditative state. Which means all sense of ego is not within his consciousness and he is rid of any influential feelings from outside the world of BDSM. In other words, if he is having what is colloquially known as 'a bad hair day' or he has anger towards something which may have happened prior to meeting his sub, then enacting his Dom role should at all costs be avoided until his mind is clear of such imposing thoughts again.

Domination requires the level of concentration and awareness which means you are totally focused on your sub and every finite detail about her presence in the moment. Breathing rhythms, heartbeat, body language (in particular), skin and posture movements and the sounds she emits as well as the type of sounds all have to be carefully observed and monitored throughout your time together. If you think of her journey as a stage play in which there are a number of scenes that build up to a gloriously orgasmic finale, and the Dom is the director who's job it is to draw the finest performance out of the actress in her role, then you're on the right lines. Let's not forget this is, after all, about roleplay.

It takes a minimum of 1,500 hours of flying time before someone is granted a pilot license to fly a commercial airline. In the same way that you wouldn't feel in any way confident about boarding an aeroplane if you knew the pilot flying you off abroad to your holiday in the sun only had a couple of days flying experience, the same applies to the experience, competencies and skills required to become a professional Dom. 

With more experienced subs I am able to guide them through incredibly dangerous BDSM practises and out the other side safe, well and orgasmic like they have experienced an incredible rebirth into a whole new skin and life ahead. Practises such as waterboarding, which is on video here, has been commented on by soldiers who've received actual training on this to prepare them for action, and even they find it scary to watch and mentally live through again. This stares death in the face of it, and usually it's only the very, very experienced submissives who will want to experience waterboarding, with forced or denied orgasm (both also called 'controlled') as being the 'ultimate' adrenaline rush.

Do NOT, under any circumstances whatsoever, engage in waterboarding with an inexperienced Dom! I cannot emphasise enough just how dangerous this practise can be in the wrong hands.

Experience comes with age, and it is highly unlikely that you will find a fully competent Dom who will facilitate and guide a submissive through her journey who isn't under 50 years of age, although there are some slightly younger. I say this in good faith as well as for the following reason - Men don't reach emotional maturity until the age of 25. Some don't ever reach it at all and go through life as little boys living in men's clothing, and are so emotionally insecure with women that they will spit out their dummies and throw their toys out of the pram when they feel insecure in their 'vanilla' life, and think dominating their partner is about controlling finite microscopic detail of her every day. From the way she dresses to who she sees, and when, everything has to be micro-managed. This is a reversal of the 'Hen-pecked' man previously referred to, but with the same level of emotional insecurity. However. 'Both' may find themselves drawn to the BDSM way of life as ultimate control is their primary objective.

Having said that, there are still more than a few submissive's out there in longer-term relationships with their Doms  who actually enjoy this type of lifestyle choice and who most certainly aren't in abusive relationships. I've been there, tried it in the course of my own journey, and as mutually beneficial and nurturing as it was at that time I ultimately made the decision that long-termism simply wasn't for me.

My teaching/facilitating/mentoring role has been of greater importance to me ever since, and having had many a conversation with other professional Doms of similar age I can conclude that the maturer professionals have reached the perfect plateau where we have no ego left to consider and none of the driving testosterone to fuel and fire on all cylinders the selfish sexual desire which younger Doms take full advantage of, being still very much lust driven.

However, this should in no way be interpreted as an admission that we are no longer sexual beings who fully enjoy consensual sexual engagement. From my own long-term experience I can state with hand on heart that for the most part the submissives I have engaged with have been on an inner spiritual quest. A journey of self-discovery, inner/outer-balance and healing as much as I have engaged with those who are keen to explore beyond their normal limits to experience greater sexual highs and orgasms. Some never having orgasmed before because they adopted a false self-belief that they couldn't and were not normal. While others who could orgasm but never believed they could squirt have absolutely flooded the floor to the point where for health a safety reasons I have had to literally mop up after them because I was sliding around the floor in my bare feet to almost slipping over and hitting my backside on the floor with a very nasty thump.

A fair percentage have also found that they are actually fully functioning and can orgasm and squirt as a result of my encouragement, yet have failed to do this with their partner, or ex partner(s). And it's not in any way because I am some kind of orgasmic super-hero, or make myself out to be. Far from it. I am simply a professional practitioner with confidence in the knowledge and experience gained over the years to be able to apply techniques for submissives to learn and even relearn about themselves as I guide them through their journey, and the reward for me in doing so is the pleasure I get from enabling and empowering a positive outcome which will lead to the submissive enjoying a more sexually fulfilling and rewarding life ahead with the confidence and knowledge to be able to do so. It may be hard to believe that in 2018 there are still females who honestly believe so many negative things about themselves.

This is however so true, and I have females of all ages - although for the most part in the 18-35 age bracket, who feel they have failed because their partners feel "weird" and say it's "not normal" to engage in anything beyond 'vanilla' sex and come to me as their facilitator/surrogate out of pure sexual frustration and a need which they feel has to be met to either satisfy their curiosity or further their interest. There can be nothing more frustrating, for example, than a male partner who says something along the lines of "I love you but I don't want to hurt you" when she's absolutely gagging to be 'roughed-up' for a change, and it simply doesn't happen for her. Or he describes something out of his comfort (confidence in reality) zone as being "disgusting," and he puts her down or belittles her for what in reality is his own lack of confidence or unresolved inner issues which he simply isn't prepared to man up to and deal with. Which again reflects why women are generally speaking more emotionally mature than a lot of men.

Pretty much all women have a very sound reason for reaching out to a practitioner such as me, and it's precisely because there is no emotional attachment, or even physical attraction, and it's instead a teaching/learning process that they find it easier to relax from the constraints which they are used to, and gain confidence with no fear of feeling foolish, being put down, or even chastised while they learn/relearn self-confidence and how to be a submissive who is still very much in control of her thoughts, feelings and emotional awareness in a constructive and productive way and be even better in the bedroom than ever before, and with no inner feelings of guilt whatsoever as someone who has grown from what they believed they were and who they were previously it's hugely powerful stuff!

New subs 'Acid Test' to Dominants.

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. Gold however, will stand up to most acids. The ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Dominants. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either. There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON if that is what you choose to do. Most of these tests are designed for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Dom's online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dom's out there.

Step One: Do the Maths.

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissive's at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Dom's outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Dom's” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. Don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

 Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives, so start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like.

Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. Giving away your control can be a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this.

Dom's are strong people too, we do tend to be intelligent. Dom's are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand they be in control all the time. Dom's tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations.

It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Memorise the Acid Tests!

·      When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable ,he’s not going to be fun to play with.  

·     “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Dom's don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Dom's will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

·     “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing!  

·     If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch,whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste your time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms.

·      “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

·      “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Dom's can have limits too, but its your limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE! 

·      Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissive's have limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles

·      “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire. yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a Dom that was rich? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an On-Line chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissive's that fit this ambitious profile.

·     “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Give me a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil? 

·      “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST! 

·      “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safeword's either. Need I say more?

·     “My slaves trust me to set their limits for them.” If you hear a “Dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

·     Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “Dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Finding some female submissive's to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Dom's to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well.

Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There is another class of “female enemy” that is even more tragic and dangerous:

The Victim.

The Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly that order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do.  An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

The Dom/sub relationship.